I was just having a very refreshing chat with a sister and we touched on the subject as to whether or not sisters really love each other... because I know, if you really love your sister like you claim to, you won't "sugar coat" the truth to make her feel good and not "pull her up" when she's wrong. I mentioned in another post of mine I believe or in the comments of one of my post that here, where I live, when one of us is wrong, a sister or group will call you on your mistake- now, some of us a VERY tight so sometimes the words may seem to be a bit "rude" for others but we understand each other... we know that the sister is addressing the issue(s) because she loves her sister and don't want her to err- it's not about getting an attitude and giving people the "cold shoulder". We call it "constructive criticism". Please tell me... exactly how do you benefit from people telling you lies to make you feel good? Some people WANT to be pacified... and sorry, we tend to call them like we see them so I guess we're not a good group if you're looking for "feel good" friends..... :o Love for your sister what you would love for yourself... if you love her, tell her the truth- she may NOT appreciate it then but if she a true sister and realize her mistake(s) then it was worth it in the end. It's not be rude but state your concern(s) with love and tactfulness that she may see where she went wrong. And she should thank you, if not aloud, in her heart. And if you're the type of person who allow your sister to continually make the same mistakes in her actions, words and/or behavior without correcting her, then know you are definitely not your "sister's keeper" and most infinitely not her friend...
My personal philosophy is "never co-sign garbage"... and I plan to teach my kids the same, InshaAllah- some may not appreciate your "direct" approach as most are accustomed to people telling them things to make them look or feel good when they themselves KNOW they're wrong, but in the end, you'll know that you did the right thing. That Muslimahs, is REAL love......
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Now I need to find a way to break it to a dear sister of mine, that wearing hijab but posting pictures of herself without hijab on facebook in a mixed gender environment doesn't count. :[
Okay that sounded catty but I really do not know HOW to tell her! She's worn hijab waayyy longer than me but I can't just stand there and let her do that because hijab is not that.
-think.. think..-
A brilliant post. ^ I can't agree more to your writing. At times, the truth hurts, and as much as we know it, nothing is more hurtful than allowing our sisters to succumb to her wrongdoings. The thought of someone that we care, 'slipping away' is mentally and emotionally disturbing.
Modest- sit her down and just tell her! She SHOULD know that what she's doing right now isn't correct but approach her as if you're going to explain it to a child, ya know what I mean? Slow, tasteful and tactful... that way you don't run the risk of her getting offended but again, she KNOWS what she's doing is not the thing she should be doing, but try to break it to her nicely as if she has no clue....
Now sista, you are a good friend, MashaAllah!
And Ms. Modest... welcome to my blog
Hajar- I totally agree with your statement, nothing is more hurtful than allowing your sister to succumb to her wrongdoings- that's why I greatly appreciate my sisters here in New York. We understand and care for each other and tell each other "the way it is" when one of us is incorrect- that's the way it SHOULD be but unfortunately, in this day and time, if you DON'T tell people EXACTLY what they want to hear, you're cut off or giving the cold shoulder... pacification is not a good thing
Thank you very much Sister:]
Alright, this Monday in Math, I'm gonna do it!
-tries to psyche myself up-
Your blog is really insightful sister ^_^
Salaams sis. I agree. You owe it to the people you love to tell them the truth. Tactfully of course but the true nonetheless.
Modest- An old rule of mine that when I know I'm going to have a conversation with someone and I know it might "sting" them, I try to open with some other ligh hearted stuff that leads to the issue at hand... maybe if you can think of some things to talk about first that lead to the hijab or facebook itself then mention to her in the "oh, yeah.. by the way" fashion. Tactful, tasteful, full of concern and with love!
Inspired- You would not believe how soooo many sisters get "twisted" when you tell them the truth- Allah (SWT) knows your heart and if you see them err, I personally feel, it's your duty as a sister to correct them- some people just don't feel this way which is sad but true....
Masha'Allah, great reminder!! You are so true, that's REAL LOVE!! Barak Allahu feekui for this gentle message!
Aalia- yes, we need to keep our sister's best interest at heart... thanks for stopping by
Empress Anisa,
Again, beautifully written! This is so true. I lost a sister that I thought was one of my best friends because I told her that something she was doing was wrong. That sister doesn't talk to me anymore, while we used to talk every day subhanAllah. It hurts me sometimes when I think about it, but then I just tell myself that it's maybe for the best....
Hijabee- sorry to hear that happened to you- I've it myself a few times... instead of them being "thankful" that you're looking out for them, they take personal offense as if the behavior is correct... your enemy will let you stray and laugh at you behind your back- your friend and a real sister will correct you and scold you if necessary when you err- to me, that's definitely a real friend... those are the kind I try to keep around me
Want for your Sister like you want for your Self. I believe she will want the Truth.. Allahu allim
Suga Coating Issues is not the way there is a Way however to be tactful(I have yet to Learn) Some folks don't like to here they are Wrong but when comes to Deen Rather they Feel Salty at you are not. Refer everything to Quran and Sunnah,You cannot Argue with Proof no the Opinion matters except Your Rabb and His Messenger(Sallallah Alayhi wasalaam) I feel much better if some one Tells me the truth because I know you truly love me for the sake of Allah. First before your my friend your my sister in the Deen and that is more of a benefit. I have Lost many friends and I have been blocked because They either Refuse the Truth or just not the kinda friends i need.I had to learn Long ago not everyone online and or in real life will not be your friend or care to know you. Even Care for your Opinions rather based on the haqq or Otherwise. Allahu allim
Ummismail
uMM iSMAIL: I agree sooooo deeply.
Barefoot Empress: As salaam alaykom. Good post. And jazzakallah kheir again for remindin me of better behaviour in the past.
I agree. I want to be told if I'm making a mistake. I wouldn't do it if I knew it was wrong, and I don't know everything.
About getting twisted, it can be hard to face that you are doing something wrong and need to change. Some people just refuse to face it.
Umm Ismail- as usual, you hit the nail on the head, Momma... and people have gotten "attitudes" with me in the past and my outlook is this: I told you because I care for you and if you accept it, than so be it... if not, then that's your problem (and truly grow up). Life is too short for some the crap wanna toss at you- ignorance is rampant- leave it where you find it my old rule... and online and real life friends who take offense can go along about their business- if you direct someone to what is correct and true, and they reject, you've done your part... and from a psychological point of view, with most of them who reject truth, you will notice or can surface some serious underlying issues- after taking sooo many courses in this subject in the past, you can almost tell people's defects or what type of underlying issues they may have just by the way they write.... interesting and quite true.
Ms Pixie- Wa alaikum assalaam, Ms. Pixie Dixie (I like the way that sounds- that's my name for u)(lol)
No need to thank me, my sista... I love you and wanted to remind everyone to be mindful of their sister, that's all.
Hey, you wanna come play in my sandbox? I got snacks.... lol
I love you, my sister, for the pleasure of Allah- and Mommie, keep it light, please!
Megan- yes, I know the truth can be a HUGE pill to swallow at times, I mean, I've been there in the past but when you sit and reflect, you often realize that you WERE wrong and should action to correct it. And as I said before, we should thank our sister for pointing it out to us as none of us are perfect, if not aloud to her face, than thank her in your heart... to make dua for her is even better!
Sisters... there's a beautiful poem over at Umm Ismail's other blog I think ALL should read:
http://ummismailsamirasawda.blogspot.com/2009/01/i.html
Enough said....
As-salaamu-alaikum Empress Anissa,
Oh my - how I miss that "straight-up, I'm keeping it real - NY attitude". Girlfriend, I wish we had that all over the world. It just isn't like that here in North Africa, though I wish it were. People are more hospitable and polite - on the surface. But, that real LOVE you feel from having an honest realtionship with someone - I have never felt that from a single sister I have met here. Ahhh, how I miss my sisters back home. I hope you can find it when you move to Eygpt, because once you've known it, you will always want it!
Fi Iman Ilah,
Najea
Wa 'alaikum assalaam Najea- exactly... I know you would've known what I talking about- when you have sisters who truly "have your back" you don't have to worry because they gonna correct you when you wrong- sometimes when the situation is real serious, some say it in a way that would make some shudder, but your sister only want the best for you and for you to be pleasing to Allah (SWT)which is why she does what she does... gurl, I wish you were closer to me! Well, Morocco is only about 2 hours away from Cairo, I think... lol
i totally agree
i know ive been in situations where i mightve done something wrong and you know
like i didnt know i was so wrong but when i wam told in a nice way
i can see the error of my ways
its better that way
but sometimes people just dont want to listen and its like pursuin the matter will only cause problems
like ive been trying to get my own cousin to wear the hijab properly for ages not the new "fashionable" way where your neck and ears and wteva are showing
and she will just be like
yeah thanks and not do anything about it
anyways
thnx 4 de lovely post sis
salaamz
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